Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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