I wish my penis had an off switch
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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