He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
