This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize