Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Randomize
