Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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