remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
