Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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