I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
