Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
