Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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