Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
