You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
