My Higher Power is John Stamos
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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