I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
