i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
