In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
