Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
