I look better un-naked...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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