dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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