I feel great
I just peed on a car
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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