We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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