I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
