You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
