Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
