Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
