I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
