No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
