there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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