woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
