how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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