My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
