so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
