That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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