I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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