mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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