Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
FUCK WHALES
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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