I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
