I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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