I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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