I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
