My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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