Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
