i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
