It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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