"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
