I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
