i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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