The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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