im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
