I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
