Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
