yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
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I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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