I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
