Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
