I looked at my own cervix.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
