Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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