You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
