i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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