3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Enjoy the penises
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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