Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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